Gotta Die to Come Alive
by Vader'sMistress
Summary: The end of my one shot series. What does it feel to be a Connor? To be no longer human? To know that you will never age, know rest or anything other than misery?


**Here it is. The final part of my No Fate Series. After this, there will be no more stories. If anyone wants to do a spin off and explore the years in between you are happy to do just as long as you PM me first.  
Song Phoenix by Molly Sanden. I was just introduced to this song by a friend and I thought it totally fits the Connors! So enjoy and please leave a review.**

* * *

 **"White noise in my head  
** **Burning ashes in the floor  
** **Trouble in the air  
** **I didn't sign up for the war  
** **Let the fire in  
** **All my demons from before  
** **'Cause I am not afraid  
** **Ready to explode**

 **Like a phoenix, like a phoenix  
Like a phoenix, like a phoenix  
** **Gotta die to come alive**

 **Cause I'm falling just to rise  
Falling just to fly  
Gotta die to stay alive!  
Burning just to ignite  
Gotta die to stay alive**

 **Like a phoenix, like a phoenix**  
 **Like a phoenix, like a phoenix**  
 **Gotta die to stay alive**

 **Hit me one more time**  
 **One, tow, three just give me more**  
 **Cause with every strike**  
 **I'll be stronger than before**  
 **I used to fear the night**  
 **I used to close my eyes**  
 **Now I need the dark so I can see the star shine**  
 **Falling just to rise**

 **Cause I am falling just to rise  
Falling just to fly  
Gotta die to stay alive!  
Burning just to fight  
Gotta die to stay alive**

 **Like a phoenix, like a phoenix  
Like a phoenix, like a phoenix  
** **Gotta die to come alive**

 **So watch me burn  
Go geed my flame  
Cause it's my time to rise gain  
So watch me burn  
Go feed my flame  
Cause it's my time to fly again!**

 **White noise in my head  
Burning ashes on the floor  
Cause I am falling to rise**

 **Cause I am falling just to rise  
Falling just to fly  
Gotta die to stay alive!  
Burning just to fight  
Gotta die to stay alive x2  
**

 **Like a phoenix, like a phoenix  
Like a phoenix, like a phoenix** **"**

 **~Phoenix**

"One word Jacob. One word and it will be over." Kate said through the com-link. The police told the President and Prime Minister not to risk his life but he did not listen.

He's going to make a stand. It is why Jacob Reese-Connor has always distinguished himself from other leaders, because he gets things done and doesn't back down from foreign or domestic threats.

He's not going to give in to his foster mother's terrorist threats to give his opponents the armament they need to beat him in the next elections. He strolls in the hallway, shutting down all communications with a simple matter of thinking. And it is a simple matter of thinking because he just needs to visualize things and they become a reality.

With all the world being so connected it is a miracle that Kate has not used it against him. "You could have captured Cassie easier that way, Kate. Why are you here?"

"Where is your dearest metal friend Cameron? Aren't you going to invite her to our little ceremony?" Kate asked in amusement, tearing up inside as she watched her daughter look at her with those eyes. _John's eyes. Why did she have to have John's eyes? They all have those eyes._ They had inherited everything from their parents except those eyes which were from Kyle Reese.

She always imagined that she and John would form a family together and that their son would have his hair color in her eyes but fate was never kind on the Connors. When John held their little Cassie, it had been the happiest day in their lives. He never missed a birthday or a play date and despite her telling him that he shouldn't be too permissive, he still let her run around the house and do as she pleased.

"Cameron's not going to risk her life for Cassie and you know it."

Kate let out a dry laugh. Her daughter always knew how to pick them. "Cassie knows it too. Why do this Kate? Why not just come home like the rest? Like mom and Kyle? Everyone's happy now, you and John are the only ones left to accept the truth."

Jacob had met horrible people throughout his life. They made him question himself. –Should he help mankind when they were meant to destroy themselves? –But the more he thought about that question, the more determined he became. Perhaps they were meant to destroy themselves but that didn't stop him from believing in them. If he could delay their destruction to enjoy a few years more, it made his stay here worthier for a thing wasn't beautiful because it lasted, but because it faded.

One day his mother would die along with her new husband, her 'cousin-in-law' Kyle Reese, as the late Allison Young before them, then his grandchildren, and his grandchildren and he would remember those precious few moments that made it all worth wile.

Kate's voice snaped him from his thoughts.

"My husband took you in. He was so nervous when he carried you in his arms. I wanted to keep you innocent. I sang to you, I saw you as my son. Why did you betray us? What did we ever do to you? We were always good to you!"

Jacob knows but he can't answer to Kate without making her angrier. He just says "I am sorry Kate. It had to be done Jane couldn't handle what she was and she killed too many. If I let her go, she was just going to send us back into the endless cycle from where we were trying so hard to escape." And walks forward, kneeling in front of his wife.

"I am sorry Kate."

"Do not speak. I trusted you. I loved you more than Cassie, did you know that?"

"There's still a chance of you escaping from this, don't be stupid and put the fucking gun down!-"

"Your father is waiting outside for me. He wanted you to know how it feels to have someone you love take everything from you. He wants you to feel the same thing Jane did when she begged you, I repeat BEGGED you to save her and you just stood there."

"You are not the only one who had something to lose. Jane was becoming something dangerous and you know it! She would've destroyed the entire world, I loved her but just as you and father taught me, sometimes you have to sacrifice those you love for the greater good."

Kate barked with laughter. "Love? How can you say that when you stabbed us in the back?"

"You are upset. Just do as Jacob says and-"

"Lies come as easily to you as your husband. I am going to enjoy this so much." But she couldn't do it. As she gripped her hand tighter she began to tremble and not just her, but the room around her seemed to spin and she saw that Jacob was moving things around them with his mind until they stopped and they stop and are aimed right at her.

"Put those things down Jacob." Jacob blinked and the furniture came down at once. There was only one thing floating and that was a knife that Kate knew that he was going to use against her if the occasion called for it. How funny, she thought. That was the same knife his father was ready to use to kill him when he thought he and his sister were the devil.

Thinking about what John said about them made her feel guilty. She had always defended Jacob when the going got tough and even when they weren't in danger, she was still there for him. It hurt her to think that this boy killed Jane.

A die for a die. It was only fitting, right? After all, her father said that the old testament was filled with people who had pissed off God and had been killed as a consequence. Their families slaughtered, their possessions taken. This is what Jacob made her do, now she was going to be an old-testament angel.

"You don't want to do this Kate."

"How do you know what I want to do when you took everything from us? You didn't let your mother or your new father raise Tara because you were afraid of what she could become and you left her alone to die in the woods like some stray animal." Kate said but she was interrupted by Jacob whose indignation ran through the four walls of the office building where she had taken Cassie.

"No, I showed her what her future would be if she did the same thing as she did over and over again. I am not the one who pulled a gun to her head that was my mother and she knew the risks better than anyone. We are all responsible for our own fates. I knew Tara would be found by you and John. I did nothing to merit your hatred."

"How can you say that and lie to my face –you are a monster Jacob. That is what you are and what you have always been. John and I were too stupid to see it but Jane did and she tried to warn us _…" But we didn't listen._

"We loved you like you were our son. John let you go so you could have a life, the life he always wanted and I didn't because I loved you."

"I know. And there is still a way out of this if you just put the gun down." But Kate shook her head. "Kate, put the gun down."

Kate dropped the gun and she fell to her knees crying. Cassandra ran to Jacob and told him that she heard sirens. "The cops will be here any minute, it's best we let them deal with this."

"Don't you want to help her out? Look at her-"

"Yeah, that's exactly why I want them to deal with her so they can dissect her. Let's leave Jacob." But Jacob didn't leave, instead he convinced Cassie to console the poor woman.

"Goddamn it." Cassie swore under her breath. "Mom, mom look at me."

Kate's blue orbs met her daughter's. "Look, I know we've been under a lot of stress and Jacob told me to comfort you because for some reason he thinks there is still some humanity left in you" she started looking at Jacob who gave her a signal to go on "but the truth is mom that I can't have any sympathy for you. My sympathy for you died when you burst in my office and called Jacob and told him you would take me to the rooftop and shoot me in front of the cameras so everyone can know how miserable their president and prime minister can be. My sympathy died for you right there mom."

"I am sorry … I just wanted to understand why…"

"Not this again. Mom! Jane was faulty, you know what she was becoming. If Jacob and I hadn't done what we did, she would have taken over the world and send us to a nuclear apocalypse."

Kate shook her head and covered her ears.

"You know that mom! You heard her say it many times! She killed Varela's kids, two innocent kids-"

"No that's not true."

"-who had nothing to do with her issues but oh no you and dad were too busy thinking of your perfect world to bother to look at your own. One look at your family and you would've known!"

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"Let's go." Cassie told Jacob, rising to her feet and taking his hand. "There's nothing left for us here."

When the police came to the building to secure the president and the first lady, they found no one there. The terrorist, they told the special forces, had escaped through the hidden exist and hacked into the system. No one questioned them since Jacob Reese never lied, and much less when he had sacrificed himself for his wife, Cassandra Brewster. Robert Brewster's adopted daughter.

John watched the news feeling little surprise. Kate changed her appearance just enough so no one would recognize her at the park where they watched Tara play with other kids.

"I couldn't do it. I tried to pull the trigger, I wanted to see her suffer the way Jane suffered but I couldn't. I couldn't…"

John squeezed her hand. "When Cassie was born and everyone thought you were going to die, she saved you because she felt a connection to you. I was always grateful to her because of that." He said.

"You are not good when it comes to lying to your sub-commander soldier." She joked and he laughed.

"I guess I am not, am I?"

"I hate her and I love her. "

"Me too." John confessed.

"Does it ever end? This feeling?"

"No … God knows I've tried to end it and wished that Sky Net made me into a blank slate so I wouldn't have to deal with the memories and the feelings. Cassandra behaved exactly as we would have if we were in her position."

"Sometimes I wonder if this is the price."

"For what?" John asked. For what could they be paying? They did everything that fate instructed them to do. They played their roles to perfection. They can't be hold accountable for anything.

"For our sins. Sky Net, Jane, this, everything."

"We are not responsible for that and whatever we did, we already paid for it with Jane's death. There is no reason why we should go on like this. We can always jump."

"I know but if we do that, will we ever come back?"

"Sure we will." John said with confidence, smiling at his beautiful wife who changed her face back. "It will be like an adventure." He promised and she trusted him as she always did.

There was one more thing to do though before they went on vacation, John visited Jacob.

"Nice office you have here. When mom said her son would be a great leader, I don't think she meant that quite literally." John started, sitting down in his main chair. "Quite comfortable too."

"Why are you here John?"

"Lesson number two, don't waste your time in stupid questions you already know the answer. No hug? No how are you to your big brother? I am the reason the world is united under you. What? You thought it was all you? I said that I wanted you to be safe and happy so you would know how it feels when you lose it."

"Apparently you succeeded except for one thing. Cassandra is still alive and the both of us will go on living while you and Kate sink in your river of tears."

"Jane was right, you were always one for drama. But I shouldn't be surprised. I didn't come here to fight Jacob. You have done wonderful things with this world, our mother should be proud."

"She should but she is still angry as you are over what Cassandra and I did." Jacob said, leaving out the small detail that after Allison died, she remarried. To his younger father no less! Kyle always had to warn Sarah when he was coming over or he was calling, so she would step out and shut her phone.  
Jacob tried to knock sense into her but his mother was stubborn as a mule and he gave up. He was not going to waste any time and energy reaching her when he knew that was practically impossible. Besides,, he had Robert, Cassie and Cameron with him and that was all the people he needed.

"She is always angry about something. You and Cassie are seen as Gods but be careful Jacob because when you step down from power, you will have to ask yourself am I ready or will I take the next step and that is when you'll realize that you and I are more alike."

"That will never come John, and you are right we are alike except that I know my limits."

John smirked. "Rule then, but remember don't try to be more than gods. In this world as in the other ones, they kill their gods."

"Where will you be going?"

John gave him a reassuring smile telling him he would be back and explained him of what he had developed.

"That is dangerous technology. Are you sure you won't lose it?"

"Don't be a smart ass Jacob, remember I am the more experienced here. Don't worry we will be okay. It's just temporary. Perhaps you and Cassandra can join us too after you get tired of living in the same dimension."

Jacob doubted he would. He embraced his brother and watched him disappear.

* * *

The years were not kind to them. As the world progressed and they disappeared from the scene, they kept vigil over every descendant of Sarah and Kyle's, including their own but eventually they proved the former leader of the resistance right.

They did grow tired of living in the same world, watching everyone they loved and interacted with, die.

Cameron stayed with them, Jacob did his best to upgrade her but as she was nearing the end of her cycle she asked Jacob not to be upgraded. "Disconnect me."

"I can't do that Cameron."

"You must." She said firmly. "If they find me, anyone can hack into my CPU and see what I've seen and find out about the other realities John and Kate are in, as well as everything that has led to this point and do something worse than Jane did. I rather be nothing than endanger the future."

Jacob complied and when the power gave out, took out her chip and smashed it. He wasn't going to put it into a new body or use it to make himself a sister or a daughter like his brother did. Cameron would not be happy with him and he had seen what that had done to Jane.

He watched as the flames danced around her body. Cassie took his hand. She didn't say anything. She had been jealous of Cameron for many years because besides her, she also held his heart.

Now that she was finally gone, Cassie was unsure how she felt. Despite their rivalry, Cameron proved to be a good listener and it was good to have a friend besides your husband when you had the rest of eternity to worry about.

"Now what?" Cassie asked, surprised that it wasn't Jacob asking the question since he always looked to her advice when they were not moving from place to place.

"Live. Endure. Watch it all go, I guess."

"Then everything was for nothing."

"No. They are meant to die, can't you see? Humans are what they are because they can die and that makes them unique. A thing is not beautiful because it lasts. It is those precious moments that they hold sacred that are made special because of the brevity of them." Jacob told her, placing his hand on her cheek. "I love you, I always have and you and I will live forever."

"Will we keep our sanity? What if we can't?"

"We will. We have each other and we have a good hobby looking after our descendants." She smiled. That was true. It was one of the things that kept them grounded to this dimension. "But every once in a while we can take a vacation."

She followed him to the cottage where John said he always would be waiting. "Are you sure he is not building an army of machines and has tampered with the other timelines or created more?"

"John would not lie to my face. He wants the same thing you and I want."

It felt odd coming to this place. She remembered it from her grandmother's memories. It was where the T-1000 had attacked and it was where her father had taken refuge many times in infinite timelines.

When she met face to face with him, she wasn't sure how to react. Part of her wanted to terminate him on the spot and the other wanted to run to him and hug him and go back to the way things were.

 _You are a fool Cassie. A beautiful fool but a fool nonetheless._ After they exchanged pleasantries, Cassie felt the tug of her sleeve being pulled by Tara.

"Are you aunt Kate and uncle John's kid?" She asked.

Kate was surprised that the girl stayed like this for a long time but then she remembered Jacob's explanation that her father had given him. Tara would age slower than the average human and even though her aging would stop when she reached the biological age of eighteen, to get there it could take centuries, even thousands of years.

 _Poor girl._ _'Why poor? You will stay like this forever and watch your descendants and your grandparents' die as well. If anyone it should be you they feel sorry for._ ' She shut down the voice of her conscience and nodded to the girl.

"Do you want to play?" _No_ –Cassie wanted to scream at her. _I don't want to play with you, you poor replacement to my parents_. But then she remembered another little girl asking someone else the same thing and Cassie nodded again.

After they were done and Tara ran back to Kate, her father approached. "Hey." He said.

"Hey."

"Cassie, I just wanted to tell you that if there had been another way-"

"Don't, save it. I know what you are going to say-"

"Will you let me finish?"

"No. This isn't going to be another one of your talks where you give me a story of how you fought some battle and you won or you smugly tell me you were right and you had to do what needed to be done to save everyone or you and mom. Let's just get this over with." Cassie said and turned her back to him, but was then surprised by her father.

"That wasn't what I was going to say. I am sorry for everything."

Cassie didn't know how to reply, so she chose silence.

"Where will we go?" She asked.

John told them where, they were surprised he had chosen that timeline since it was the timeline where the first John Connor, the one who had not been conceived by Kyle Reese, who hadn't been marred by destiny existed and defeated the machines.

"Are you sure?" Kate asked him.

"Yes." John said decisively. He just wanted to see what that world was like in contrast tot his one.

* * *

When they got there, they were surprised to find that it wasn't much different except that technology was less advanced and people had forgotten all about Sky Net and the war against the machines. People heard the name John Connor and all they could think of was some other guy.

They didn't stay there for long, as with other timelines, they were just there to act as observers. Every time they got bored, they returned to their timeline. They often parted, each going their own way but they always found each other.

" _You have to be with your own kind."_ Jane told her when she tried to get her back. Just what she meant, she didn't know then. None of them could've predicted the end results, least of all Jane whose programming kept her from learning from her past mistakes.

' _What if she did and you screwed up?_ She was sure she didn't. Jane or Sky Net as she came to be known and feared in other timelines, was first programmed to assist mankind. As it got smart, Miles Dyson installed other features which allowed it to evolve at a faster rate. _Something happened though, that made the program go crazy._ Her dad didn't talk much about it. Whenever they brought the subject of Jane up, his voice broke. Prime John didn't have any feelings for Sky Net because his destiny had never been marked by it. He lived to be an old man, happy with his wife and children who buried his legacy and gave the future generations and idealized version of what happened. Her father and all the other incarnations that came after that first John however, did. Sky Net was responsible for their creation, and in a way her father was responsible for his hatred and going so far as making itself human.

 _When all is said and done, we are all screw ups._ She thought, unaware that she spoke her thoughts aloud.

Her father came to sit beside her. He had been looking for, for the past fifty years. He searched for her in their timeline where she and Jacob kept a close eye on their descendants but she wasn't there so he took a big trip to another dimension, one where the bombs never fell. Where Sky Net never existed, and where the world was very different from the ones they knew.

When he stepped into this dimension all he could think of was _And I thought my life was marred._ People here could barely sustain themselves and they had cruel overlords who took advantage of their situation to raise taxes every time they could, and kill everyone who spoke against them or their gods.

He asked himself why his daughter would stay here of all places. It had its charm, he had to admit. The air was cleaner, the forests were untouched, almost primordial; but the people were still a superstitious lot and their current king, in this part of the world, didn't help when he was beheading people every day.

He found his daughter in one of the wealthy Inns.

"We are but that doesn't mean we have to live like ones."

His daughter wasn't happy to see him. Cassandra wanted to live alone for the next century. She was tired of hearing his sermons and being so secretive and Jacob knew things but he always went with the usual _'You have to hear it from his lips. I can't help you there. He is your father Cassie and nothing will ever change that.'_ It was times like these that she wished that she was with Jacob so he could see her fist coming straight at him.

She pushed back the caul and removed her crimson cloak. "What do you want? I wanted to be alone."

"I know but you and I have unfinished business."

"Don't start dad, I am tired of your sermons and if Jacob or mom sent you here or Tara, tell them it didn't work."

"It's not about them, it is about us. I kept things from you because I wanted to protect you."

She snorted.

"I did. You have no idea what I sacrificed then. Your mother was a different person. The Kate I grew up with, was capable of everything and when she killed herself in my face, I told myself that I would not feel again but I found your mother. To my surprise, she was there, right there the day after I went to work for Cyberdine and won they Dysons' confidence. I couldn't believe it at first but there she was. I told her everything after Jane and Jacob were born, hoping she'd understand and she did but she told me that we could never be. I never visited her again until she came back and told me that she couldn't wait and I said the same thing. The rest you know is history."

"Why are you telling me this?" _Why now?_

"Because I don't want you to be haunted by ghosts like I was. A ghost is a terrible thing Cassie, if you don't talk about your problems that is what they end up becoming and before you know it, you are living with it and it becomes a reminder of how fucked up your life is."

"I don't have ghosts." She said.

"Are you sure about that? Why did you come here in the first place? I want us to talk like father and daughter, like we used to."

"How can you call me your daughter when you slapped me there in front of grandpa and Danny and called me all kinds of things?"

"I loved Jane, she was a part of my life and a part of yours and I was hurt. All my life, my mother told me that I was destined to live in this nightmarish world, leading the humans to victory against Sky Net. That was the reason you exist –she told me. Without Sky Net, I would have never been."

"So what is the point to all of this? Did you come here so I could forgive you, so I can feel sorry for you?"

"I don't need anyone's pity Cassie. I want you to understand why I did it and I want to tell you everything."

He paused and she looked at his bright blue orbs which were the same ones she had, and she sat down on her half-made bed.

"Everything. Right from the start." He said and she nodded. He pulled a chair and began his tale.

* * *

 _The future is never set. How I liked to believe that. In August of 1997, a program known as Sky Net became self aware, the scientists that created it tried to pull the plug but it fought back launching nuclear air strikes against Russia. Russia fought back and sent missiles our way. Three billion human lives were lost. The survivors of the nuclear war lived to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines._

 _In 2014, Sky Net sent itself to the past via my son from another timeline John Connor. John was fierce, John was decisive, but traits that had previously been buried came to surface once Sky Net changed him. When Kyle, Pops and I thought we ended the cycle, we decided to live our lives. Free. After I gave birth to Jane and Jacob, we discovered that the code John had used to ensure Sky Net's creation hadn't been lost and it had been planted in me when he stabbed me with his middle finger. Jane and Jacob were the embodiment of Sky Net's dream and John's. For years I tried to deny the truth. My husband couldn't face it and tried to kill it, unaware that by doing so, he made Sky Net into the very thing he fought against in his timeline._

 _Jane. What can I say about my fallen daughter without bringing to the table many regrets? Jane was a troubled girl and I trained Jacob so he could take both her and John out when the time came. But Jacob manipulated us from the start. Sometimes I wonder if this is the price I paid for my sins and if I pushed him too far. But younger Kyle tells me that Jacob was his own man making his own decisions from the start._

 _I am happily married to Kyle and although I rarely let him see Jacob, I know he misses him and thinks I am being too stubborn. But I can't forgive Jacob just yet. What he did is something I could have never imagined, even from his brother John._

 _At the end of this recording, I hope that either one, Jacob or my granddaughter finds it, and understand why we did what we did. Even if they never do, I hope that I am still heard by someone._

 _This is Sarah Connor. Signing off…_

* * *

Jacob watched the sun set. It was the end for this world and the start for another in another reality. It almost became routine, watching worlds end countless times and jumping from reality to reality. When he found Cassie, he was a little surprised to find her with her father, his brother John. The last time the two of them had a decent conversation, Cassie told him that she would never speak or hear from her father ever again after their last fight. God help him, he loved his wife with all his heart but she was just as stubborn as John, if not more.

In an odd way, she also reminded him of his mother, Sarah Connor whose last recordings he still kept, just as he kept watch over their descendants. He wanted to clear his throat and announce his arrival but he thought against it.

Turning his back, he walked out of the Inn and changed his clothes to fit in. On his way he bumped into someone whose eyes and face reminded him of his sister. Briefly turning his head to the direction from where he'd come from, then back to her, he decided to take a break from all the madness. At least for a while. They had eternity to patch things up, a little distraction wouldn't hurt him.


End file.
